Guys, I’m not gonna lie to you. Literally the only point of this post is that it’s been forty-one weeks and I haven’t missed one.
I am deepdeepdeep into writing mode to meet this deadline
and by “writing” I obviously mean “resting my forehead on my desk and contemplating what a talentless human trashfire I am”.
I know I’ve talked about this before but it is so so so so so hard to tell the difference between looking at my work critically so that I can fix flaws before readers see them, like a serious grown-up writer person, and pick-pick-picking away at something that was actually basically okay until I turned it into a crusty, bleeding scab. (It is possible that my experience of eczema has influenced this metaphor.)
Like, you can’t just bash out something with plot holes and clunky writing and be like “pfft, this is probably fine”, right? If you want to be a professional, if you want to be good, you have to be self-critical. You have to look at your work with the cold eye of someone who neither knows nor cares that you spent ages on it, or that you tried your best, or that you really really reeeeeeally want it to be successful.
And honestly, my eye is pretty cold. I pick holes in all the media I consume. Like, Once Upon A Time? Nothing that’s happened on that show has made sense for several seasons now, if it ever did. There are plot holes you could drop a mountain down and it wouldn’t touch the sides. But I watch it every week. I subscribe to Netflix specifically to watch it. I know what’s wrong with it and I don’t care.
But I can’t imagine anyone doing that with my work. I can’t imagine anyone liking it enough to forgive even the tiniest mistake. Crippling self-esteem deficit or a realistic assessment of the merits of my writing? I don’t know. I don’t see how I can know.
Ugh. This isn’t meant to be fishing for praise or reassurance or anything. And I know there’s nothing anyone can do about this and it’s basically a pointless whine that would be better confined to my journal. Like I said, I just didn’t want to break my streak – and, unfortunately, this is what’s on my mind right now!
Welp. Back to work, I guess!