Well, I don’t know how you guys like to relax, but round these parts, we like to make a cup of tea in one of our extensive collection of Disney mugs…
…and look at unobtainable things on the internet. And by “we” I mean “I” and by “unobtainable things” I mean “multi-million-pound houses”.
HERE’S HOW IT WORKS
- Go to Rightmove.
- Rightmove is designed for people who actually want to buy houses, not just ogle them, so you have to pick a location. Open Google Maps on the UK, close your eyes and point if you have to.
- Go ahead and limit your search to properties £1,000,000 and above. We’re imaginary-rich. We don’t want to waste time looking at any measly £999,999 shacks.
- You’re also going to want to sort the results by highest price first. Seriously, we are not messing around here.
For instance, if you try Edinburgh, your first result is…
… A MOTHER-FLIPPIN’ CASTLE. (By the way, if you click on that link – or, really, any of these links – be sure to download the brochure for EXTRA BONUS HOUSE PORN.)
And the listing is totally casual about it, too. “5 bedroom castle for sale”. Like, oh, yeah, a gorgeous fairytale castle, just another day in real estate. I checked: the same estate agent sells regular houses too, it’s not, like, wall-to-wall castles there. They’re just playing it extremely cool. I would be bad at that. My description for this property would run something like: “DO YOU HAVE SIX MILLION POUNDS? Is it just sitting in the bank instead of making you feel like a GODDAMN QUEEN??! Then do we have a castle for you! Celebrate your love of nature in the room that looks like the inside of a tree as carved out by particularly fancy fairies! Feel regal in your Very Extremely Purple room! View things from your viewing tower!”
Also, the castle was apparently once left to a “Mortification Trust”, which I like to imagine is a room full of deeply embarrassed people trying to ignore a fart. I hope the castle made them feel better.
Let us depart Edinburgh now and make for Yorkshire, where £8million will buy you the staircase of my dreams:
And also the rest of a house that DOES NOT FIT INSIDE A PHOTOGRAPH:
I don’t know. Sometimes, when I’m daydreaming like this, I think “okay, but would you really want to be responsible for something that huge?” But then I think… hey. I could put on some music, and a great big princess ballgown, and I could dance badly around MY BALLROOM any time I wanted and no one could stop me and it would be magical so yes, yes I would. (I would also quadbike around the grounds and turn at least one of the bedrooms into a ballpit.)
Also I could hire it out for weddings, which is what the current owners are doing with it. And that would be kind of awesome, because I am inexplicably fascinated by weddings.
On the negative side, there is literally a section on this house’s Wikipedia page about how hard it’s been to sell, and apparently it needs £40million worth of work doing to it.
But, you know. We’re imaginary-rich. We can dig that out of the back of the sofa.
And so to Wiltshire, where… no, wait, THIS is the staircase of my dreams:
Can you imagine walking along here and being like “Ah, home, sweet home?”
I can’t. Because I wouldn’t walk along there. I would FROLIC.
Brb, just need to go and write a book that will sell several million copies. Don’t wait up.