The Opposite of Popular

The online home of alleged author Victoria Leybourne

a huge ballroom with a double-height ceiling and a gallery

2016 Week Thirty-Nine: Let’s go house shopping!

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Well, I don’t know how you guys like to relax, but round these parts, we like to make a cup of tea in one of our extensive collection of Disney mugs…

me drinking from a mug with a picture of Belle from Beauty and the Beast and the words "make your own fairytale"

…and look at unobtainable things on the internet. And by “we” I mean “I” and by “unobtainable things” I mean “multi-million-pound houses”.

HERE’S HOW IT WORKS

  1. Go to Rightmove.
  2. Rightmove is designed for people who actually want to buy houses, not just ogle them, so you have to pick a location. Open Google Maps on the UK, close your eyes and point if you have to.
  3. Go ahead and limit your search to properties £1,000,000 and above. We’re imaginary-rich. We don’t want to waste time looking at any measly £999,999 shacks.
  4. You’re also going to want to sort the results by highest price first. Seriously, we are not messing around here.

For instance, if you try Edinburgh, your first result is…

A MOTHER-FLIPPIN’ CASTLE. (By the way, if you click on that link – or, really, any of these links – be sure to download the brochure for EXTRA BONUS HOUSE PORN.)

And the listing is totally casual about it, too. “5 bedroom castle for sale”. Like, oh, yeah, a gorgeous fairytale castle, just another day in real estate. I checked: the same estate agent sells regular houses too, it’s not, like, wall-to-wall castles there. They’re just playing it extremely cool. I would be bad at that. My description for this property would run something like: “DO YOU HAVE SIX MILLION POUNDS? Is it just sitting in the bank instead of making you feel like a GODDAMN QUEEN??! Then do we have a castle for you! Celebrate your love of nature in the room that looks like the inside of a tree as carved out by particularly fancy fairies! Feel regal in your Very Extremely Purple room! View things from your viewing tower!”

Also, the castle was apparently once left to a “Mortification Trust”, which I like to imagine is a room full of deeply embarrassed people trying to ignore a fart. I hope the castle made them feel better.

Let us depart Edinburgh now and make for Yorkshire, where £8million will buy you the staircase of my dreams:

And also the rest of a house that DOES NOT FIT INSIDE A PHOTOGRAPH:

Oh, and:

I MEAN.

I don’t know. Sometimes, when I’m daydreaming like this, I think “okay, but would you really want to be responsible for something that huge?” But then I think… hey. I could put on some music, and a great big princess ballgown, and I could dance badly around MY BALLROOM any time I wanted and no one could stop me and it would be magical so yes, yes I would. (I would also quadbike around the grounds and turn at least one of the bedrooms into a ballpit.)

Also I could hire it out for weddings, which is what the current owners are doing with it. And that would be kind of awesome, because I am inexplicably fascinated by weddings.

On the negative side, there is literally a section on this house’s Wikipedia page about how hard it’s been to sell, and apparently it needs £40million worth of work doing to it.

But, you know. We’re imaginary-rich. We can dig that out of the back of the sofa.

And so to Wiltshire, where… no, wait, THIS is the staircase of my dreams:

Can you imagine walking along here and being like “Ah, home, sweet home?”

I can’t. Because I wouldn’t walk along there. I would FROLIC.

 

Brb, just need to go and write a book that will sell several million copies. Don’t wait up.

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One thought on “2016 Week Thirty-Nine: Let’s go house shopping!

  1. I would totally buy a castle if I could afford to do so (and also knew I could afford to maintain it afterwards). I’d have my own massive library, a great big bedroom with a four poster bed in it, and… Well, you get the idea.

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