The Opposite of Popular

The online home of alleged author Victoria Leybourne

2016 Week Three: Anxiety


I’ve been saying ever since I started this whole “working part time and trying to be a writer” thing that the only way I’m going to be able to tell whether or not it was a good idea is in hindsight. If I look back on it in 5, 10, 20 years from on top of a pile of money/awards/fan mail (I guess I’m still not clear on what the parameters of success for a writer are. And apparently I haven’t heard of bank accounts or shelves) then I will think “Yes, this was the right choice.” There are… other potential outcomes.

Most of the time, I can cope with that. “Nothing ventured, nothing gained”, that sort of thing.  Sometimes, however, I fail to cope with it in spectacular style. Tuesday night was one of those times. There was hyperventilating. There was ugly crying. It was embarrassing.

Actually, it didn’t have to be, because there was no one there to see it. But it occurs to me that at some point my blog could be read by someone who is thinking of taking a risk to go after something they want. And I want to be honest with that person. This is SCARY. I’m scared all. the. time. The only thing that keeps me going is this burning desperation. I want to be a successful writer – even though I can’t even figure out what that means yet – more than anything else in the world. And the only way I can think of doing that is to hurl myself into writing until I’ve used up everything I’ve got.

Perhaps more importantly, I’m also terrified of looking back at the end of my life and feeling like I didn’t try, or like I could have tried harder. I guess I find the fear I have right now easier to live with.


8 thoughts on “2016 Week Three: Anxiety

  1. I’ve so been thinking about trying to cut back on my “real job” and spending more time on writing, but it’s just not an option financially right now. Maybe someday! Good luck to you!


    • Thank you! I do appreciate that I’m very lucky to be in a position to do it. I’m not rich or anything, I just have a strict budget and low outgoings… which sounds like I’m saying that anyone could do it if they just TRIED HARDER, but that’s not what I mean. It’s a combination of luck and stress over lack of savings etc. But, because I know I’m lucky, I put myself under even more pressure not to “waste” that luck. Hence the ugly crying.

      Good luck to you too 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. *HUGS* Anxiety crying jags are the worst. I wish I had some solid advice for those. Hurling yourself into writing is important, but so is not burning out. Please don’t stress yourself out to that point. *More Hugs*

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I think any writer could agree with you here lol Anxiety is a common theme when you’re trying to pursue a career in such a cruel field. Good luck to you on your adventures 🙂


  4. It is a cruel field…you get soaked through to your socks on one deceptively sodden patch. And the fence is a bitch- wire mesh on it- getting a foothold isn’t straightforward.

    Liked by 1 person

Talk to me. If you want. A comfortable silence is cool too.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s