The Opposite of Popular

The online home of alleged author Victoria Leybourne

Things I Wrote When I Was a Kid: Lonely Snail Seeks Tortoise


My mum just sent me a disc with all my files from the computer we had when I was a child and I am currently surfing a wave of nostalgia and mirth. I suspect that none of you are particularly nostalgic for my childhood, though, so let’s skip straight to the lulz.

A Lonely Snail

by Victoria

An enchanting story for the young reader.

AN ENCHANTING STORY FOR THE YOUNG READER, you guys. I was writing my own reviews before it was cool.

Prepare to be ENCHANTED.

One cold, dark night a friendless snail sat sadly trying to get some friends.
He did this from Dawn,

To Dusk.

I wrote this when I was six, pretty accurately predicting the next ten or so years of my own life.

He was a real day dreamer.
It would be his birthday soon but he was disappointed when he opened his presents because he had not got an adventure (a adventure had been what he wanted).

“Son, we talked about this. I just can’t afford an adventure on my salary. Why don’t you go outside and play with your quest?”

You know I said he was a day dreamer,  well, he sometimes  dreamt that he had a friend. That morning he had asked the pig if he would be his friend but the pig just grunted.

That’s probably just pig for “yes”.

But when he asked the tortoise luck was with him!

The tortoise actually said yes!

W, what did you say asked the snail

I said yes replied the tortoise. Oh thank you

said the snail.

So there we will leave him until next time.

The end.


More from the alarmingly earnest child I used to be here.


11 thoughts on “Things I Wrote When I Was a Kid: Lonely Snail Seeks Tortoise

  1. I am charmed. Utterly charmed.


  2. The young reader, jesus. But maybe being pretentious from an early age is like turning the oven on to heat to 300 when youre only going to need it at 190. Thought for the night, hope you like it.


  3. Talking about you here, not me. I can tell the difference.


  4. on second thoughts disregard that. My point was being pretentious can lead to discovering actually interesting stuff


  5. the oven thing doesnt fit, its a joke from a tv show I thought was funny, but it doesnt actually fit with what I was trying to say. because im remembering now that the punchline is thats an absurd thing to do with an oven. Ive had a couple of glasses of wine, sorry.


Talk to me. If you want. A comfortable silence is cool too.

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