The Opposite of Popular

The online home of alleged author Victoria Leybourne

Disclaimer

6 Comments

The interior of my mind. A number of ANTHROPOMORPHISED MANIFESTATIONS OF INTANGIBLE CONCEPTS are sitting around a large table trying to look like they’re having an important meeting. In one corner, battered, dented and covered with cushions in an attempt to muffle it, a hi fi plays ‘Let It Go’ on a constant loop.

CONSCIOUS THOUGHT: Well, I’m sure you’ll all join me in thanking Libido for that very informative presentation. Some of the diagrams were really very… detailed. But I’m afraid we’re going to have to move on to the next item on the agenda now. The blog. Creativity? Writing Ability? I think you were going to prepare something for us?

CREATIVITY and WRITING ABILITY are conspicuous by their absence. There’s a scrap of paper in front of their empty seats. CONSCIOUS THOUGHT picks it up and reads aloud.

CONSCIOUS THOUGHT: “Owt 2 lurnch”. I see. Self Control, weren’t you supposed to be keeping an eye on them?

SELF CONTROL pauses her attempt to set the world record for most jelly babies consumed in a single sitting just long enough to shrug.

LAZINESS: We’ve found some more hilarious nonsense Victoria came out with before most of us got here. Will that do?

INNER CHILD: Oooooh. I’m telling.

CONSCIOUS THOUGHT: I’m not sure. Those posts are fine now and then but I think ideally we want to avoid conveying the impression that we haven’t actually written anything original since before we hit puberty.

A collective shudder travels around the room. The slightly tearful face of INSECURITY, who has been hiding under the table, becomes visible for a moment.

INSECURITY: Um, I thought we, um, weren’t going to talk about the, um, p-word ever again. You promised.

CONSCIOUS THOUGHT: I know, I’m sorry. But doesn’t anyone have any ideas? Anyone?

A VOICE: I might.

Everyone turns to look. A mysterious figure has appeared. You can tell she’s serious and important because she’s carrying a briefcase. Some of the ANTHROPOMORPHISED MANIFESTATIONS OF INTANGIBLE CONCEPTS exchange significant looks.

CONSCIOUS THOUGHT: Ah. Social Responsibility. How nice to see you again.

LAZINESS: No it’s not! Every time she turns up we have to wash something so we can recycle it.

CONSCIOUS THOUGHT: Yes, and that’s good, because of, you know, the environment and whatever. Isn’t that right, Social Responsibility?

SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITY: Well, more or less, yes. But actually this time I’m here about something else. We care about a lot of things–

LAZINESS: Speak for yourself.

SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITY: –and we enjoy coming across other people who care about those things on the internet–

SELF CONTROL: If there are, like, no more cat videos, I guess.

SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITY: –and since we’re building a platform, I think it makes sense to talk about some of those things for ourselves.

INSECURITY: Um.

SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITY: Yes?

INSECURITY: Um, can we call it a platform if we only have 9 Facebook Likes and they’re mostly people we asked nicely?

EGO: Hey. She did say “building”.

INSECURITY: Well, that’s obviously not going to work because, um, we suck.

SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITY: It doesn’t matter if we suck, damnit! You don’t have to be famous or successful to have a voice. We’re a citizen of this planet and what we have to say matters.

INSECURITY: Um, okay. But why would anyone care what we have to say? Aren’t there a lot of other people who can say it much better than we can?

SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITY: Almost certainly. But we can link to them while adding our own perspective. We like coming across other people’s thoughtful blog posts on topics that interest us, right? Isn’t it at least slightly plausible that a few people might enjoy coming across ours?

FEAR: (crawls out from under the table, where she’s been hanging out with INSECURITY and gently suggesting that everyone hates her) Hey, so, that all sounds great, but there are these internet trolls who attack women who express opinions and do all kinds of terrifying crap like post their personal details on the internet and threaten to rape them.

SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITY: Yes, that’s true, but…

FEAR: Also, there’s this flesh-eating disease you can get from razors so I’m thinking maybe we should set the bathroom on fire just to be safe.

SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITY: …

CONSCIOUS THOUGHT: I think we should try it.

SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITY: Great!

INSECURITY: Um…

FEAR: This disease, it, like, eats your flesh…

CONSCIOUS THOUGHT: But we’ll do some sort of disclaimer. You know, in case people think we just decided to express an opinion without having an existential crisis first.

INSECURITY: That helps a little.

CREATIVITY: (skips into the room) Sorry I’m late. LET’S DO IT AS A SCRIPT SHOWING THE MANY LAYERS OF OUR INTERNAL MONOLOGUE.

SELF CONTROL: (is suddenly naked for some reason) YES! THAT WILL BE FUN AND WEIRD! LET’S DO THAT!

TL;DR:

I’ve decided to break up the snarky recaps of movies/my childhood diaries and whatever else I’ve been doing on this weird blog with some posts about my opinions about things. I know the above sounds exaggerated but I actually do keep writing posts about feminism and other things and then not posting them because I’m scared of the consequences. But I have decided to be brave.

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6 thoughts on “Disclaimer

  1. Pingback: My Feminism | Victoria Leybourne: The Opposite of Popular

  2. Pingback: Victoria, what the hell are you doing? Part I: Gap Year. | Victoria Leybourne: The Opposite of Popular

  3. This made me giggle maniacally. Thank you.

    Like

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