The Opposite of Popular

The online home of alleged author Victoria Leybourne

I have a cold

2 Comments

I have a cold. That’s the front page headline in Victoria News. It’s pretty much dominating the politics, entertainment and sports sections too.

Just kidding. My life doesn’t have a sports section.

I make a big deal out of colds. I called my mum the other day and told her I was dying of “all the plagues”. I’ve spent the last few days watching Sabrina the Teenage Witch on DVD and whimpering.

Here’s a little taste of what that looks like in real terms, from earlier today:

The interior of an untidy apartment. Used tissues carpet every horizontal surface. A scruffy redhead, VICTORIA, is sitting on the sofa, wrapped in a blanket and sniffling.

TV: WAIT SO I’M A WITCH BUT I STILL HAVE PROBLEMS AND HAVE TO LEARN A MORAL LESSON EVERY EPISODE??

VICTORIA’S STOMACH: You’re hungry.

VICTORIA: Oh. Um. Cereal?

STOMACH: You’ve eaten basically nothing but cereal for three days. I think you might have scurvy.

VICTORIA: Sorry. I’d have bought more food but I didn’t think I’d survive this long.

NOSE: Hey! That’s enough. Those of us up here on the face have been working hard to fight off this virus and we’d appreciate it if you showed a little more confidence in us.

VICTORIA: Working hard doing what? You’re the source of the problem.

NOSE: Do you want a lung infection? Because that’s what you’d get if I wasn’t producing all this mucus.

VICTORIA: Ew. Brain, is that true?

BRAIN: Hnnngh.

NOSE: And you’re out of tissues.

STOMACH: You know, they have tissues in Tesco. Where food is sold.

VICTORIA: I know. But that’s outside. Where it’s cold. And there are other people.

NOSE: I’m afraid we have to insist.

VICTORIA: Aww, now I have to get dressed. (puts a hoodie on over her pajamas)

The interior of a convenience store. VICTORIA shuffles in.

EYES: Ooh. Bright. And shiny.

ALL THE FOOD: HELLO! BUY US! WE’RE DELICIOUS!

STOMACH: Yes! Buy them! They’re delicious!

VICTORIA: Brain? What things should we buy? Brain?

BRAIN: Hnnngh.

EYES: What are you asking Brain for? Look how nice the wrappers are! You want all these foods!

VICTORIA: Okay. (She buys all the foods.)

The apartment. VICTORIA enters, carrying bags of food.

VICTORIA: Okay, Legs. Let’s just get this lot into the kitchen and then—

LEGS: NOPE.

VICTORIA: But we need to—

LEGS: NOPE.

VICTORIA: Okay, but—

LEGS: NOPE.

STOMACH: Floor picnic?

VICTORIA: Okay.

And that’s how I came to eat a chicken wrap sitting on the floor surrounded by things that should have been in the fridge. And I forgot to buy tissues in the end. It’s okay, though. I mean, I probably won’t survive much longer.

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2 thoughts on “I have a cold

  1. Pingback: Disclaimer | Victoria Leybourne: The Opposite of Popular

  2. Pingback: Victoria, what the hell are you doing? Part I: Gap Year. | Victoria Leybourne: The Opposite of Popular

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