I have a cold. That’s the front page headline in Victoria News. It’s pretty much dominating the politics, entertainment and sports sections too.
Just kidding. My life doesn’t have a sports section.
I make a big deal out of colds. I called my mum the other day and told her I was dying of “all the plagues”. I’ve spent the last few days watching Sabrina the Teenage Witch on DVD and whimpering.
Here’s a little taste of what that looks like in real terms, from earlier today:
The interior of an untidy apartment. Used tissues carpet every horizontal surface. A scruffy redhead, VICTORIA, is sitting on the sofa, wrapped in a blanket and sniffling.
TV: WAIT SO I’M A WITCH BUT I STILL HAVE PROBLEMS AND HAVE TO LEARN A MORAL LESSON EVERY EPISODE??
VICTORIA’S STOMACH: You’re hungry.
VICTORIA: Oh. Um. Cereal?
STOMACH: You’ve eaten basically nothing but cereal for three days. I think you might have scurvy.
VICTORIA: Sorry. I’d have bought more food but I didn’t think I’d survive this long.
NOSE: Hey! That’s enough. Those of us up here on the face have been working hard to fight off this virus and we’d appreciate it if you showed a little more confidence in us.
VICTORIA: Working hard doing what? You’re the source of the problem.
NOSE: Do you want a lung infection? Because that’s what you’d get if I wasn’t producing all this mucus.
VICTORIA: Ew. Brain, is that true?
NOSE: And you’re out of tissues.
STOMACH: You know, they have tissues in Tesco. Where food is sold.
VICTORIA: I know. But that’s outside. Where it’s cold. And there are other people.
NOSE: I’m afraid we have to insist.
VICTORIA: Aww, now I have to get dressed. (puts a hoodie on over her pajamas)
The interior of a convenience store. VICTORIA shuffles in.
EYES: Ooh. Bright. And shiny.
ALL THE FOOD: HELLO! BUY US! WE’RE DELICIOUS!
STOMACH: Yes! Buy them! They’re delicious!
VICTORIA: Brain? What things should we buy? Brain?
EYES: What are you asking Brain for? Look how nice the wrappers are! You want all these foods!
VICTORIA: Okay. (She buys all the foods.)
The apartment. VICTORIA enters, carrying bags of food.
VICTORIA: Okay, Legs. Let’s just get this lot into the kitchen and then—
VICTORIA: But we need to—
VICTORIA: Okay, but—
STOMACH: Floor picnic?
And that’s how I came to eat a chicken wrap sitting on the floor surrounded by things that should have been in the fridge. And I forgot to buy tissues in the end. It’s okay, though. I mean, I probably won’t survive much longer.