Well, after this week’s candle madness my novel-writing energy seems to have dipped a little. I’m still really excited about the story I’m working on but I don’t want to force anything so, instead of freaking out (which I almost never do. At least, not more than like ten, fifteen times a day), I’ve decided this would be a good time to share with you the magical experience that is the second half of my childhood journal. If you haven’t read Part One, then you are missing all kinds of precocious, Spice-Girls-hating goodness from six-year-old me and should go and read it right now.
Okay, so you guys remember how ten-year-old me went through all the entries by six-year-old me and
vandalised corrected them? She gave nine-year-old me similar treatment:
I mean, you can see why it’s “strictly private”. Can you imagine what would have happened if word that I was (yet again) tidying my room had reached my enemies?
The word that I’ve scribbled out is “cool”. Apparently not a strong enough word to express my feelings about Harry Potter.
I was going to say something about how I used to name my computers (I mentioned Artemis the other day), but then I remembered that I named the C Drive on my current PC Eddie, after the cheerful shipboard computer in The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.
As for the correction at the bottom, I wonder if that goes some way to explaining why I was going back and “fixing” old entries. I mean, maybe I was thinking of the diary less of a record of things that had happened in the past and more as something that had to be kept constantly updated. People with children, does this sound like plausible Kid Logic to you?
Also, Kid Logic would be an awesome mathematician rapper name. For a given value of “awesome”. Let’s move on.
We don’t hear from nine-year-old me again so either my room was really untidy or I found something more interesting to do. Either way, the next entry is from the day – drumroll please – I inexplicably named my diary Trixie.
Things that have changed since I wrote this entry:
- It is no longer Thursday the 25th of May, 2000.
- I no longer express disgust by writing “zluck”. What the hell is zluck?
Actually, now that I’ve written it a couple of times, I kind of want to start using zluck.
Things that have not changed since I wrote this entry:
- I still hate sports.
- I still hate going on holiday (that’s holiday as in vacation, to you American types).
I don’t know why. Well, I do with sports: it’s because it’s sweaty and unpleasant and people shout at you for not being able to catch even though you could have told them that before they threw the ball at you. But people are supposed to enjoy going on holiday. I guess these days I sort of enjoy being on holiday, but I find the planning and travelling so stressful that it’s not always worth it. But when I was a kid I pretty much loathed the whole experience:
If you’re wondering about “Bongo (my monkey xxx)” it’s this guy:
He was (and, let’s be honest, still is) my bestest monkey buddy and apparently he makes “shock horror disaster” situations okay. His wife is a purple platypus called Patti who ran her own magazine for a while, but I’m wandering severely off-topic.
I wouldn’t want you guys to get the idea that I hated everything when I was a kid. I mean, sometimes I was all about the love:
Is it just me or is there something a little unnerving about the way I’ve italicised “great”?
I just Googled “National Kissing Day” and apparently it’s been running for ten years. Something doesn’t add up. Did I know about it before it was invented? Did I invent National Kissing Day? Because I’m totally putting that on my CV.
Actually, all that kissing might have had some negative side effects. Apparently there’s an infectious disease going round:
Keep your wands clean, people. Harry Potter Fever is no joke.
There’s a list in here marked “important birthdays”, made up of dates and initials. Some of them are real people who might not want their date of birth on the internet, hence the lack of picture, but there’s a big cluster of initials with dates in 1998 and 1999 and I’ve been sitting here for some time trying to work out how I came to know a whole bunch of babies in 2000. Eventually I realised that they’re all stuffed animals. I guess when you have as many as I did it becomes difficult to keep track without some kind of aide-mémoire.
I was going to stop there, but then I remembered that I promised you evidence of my discovery of gel pens. You guys can read sparkly yellow on a pink background, right?
You know when everyone else is in a really bad mood, so you storm off to your room? Yeah. That.
Anyway, that’s “enough with the time and space wasting waffle”. Hey, isn’t that what the Doctor has for breakfast?
That about wraps it up for this diary. But don’t worry, there’s more! Tune in next time for some tasty morsels from this notebook:
You know it’s gonna be good when there’s a dinosaur on the cover.
Oh, and PS: My zombie comedy ‘Bloody Zombies’ is now free on Amazon and Google Play. You should download it and tell your friends how great it is. Unless you don’t think it’s very good, in which case you can tell your enemies it’s great and watch them suffer.