The Opposite of Popular

The online home of alleged author Victoria Leybourne

FRUIT IS EVIL

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Or, “Let’s talk about bananas”.

Okay, I’ll be honest, the title of this post is a deliberately hyperbolic attempt to grab your sweet, sweet clicks. The Oxford English Dictionary defines “evil” as “profoundly immoral and wicked”, which seems like a lot to ascribe to something so juicy and packed with vitamins. 

Aside: the ever-reliable Urban Dictionary defines “evil” variously as “girls”, “George W Bush” and “Hello Kitty”, so it might be worth factoring those in if you decide to investigate this hypothesis for yourself. As I would urge you to do.

However, it has long been my suspicion that fruit’s overwhelmingly positive image has more to do with great PR than with actual facts.

Let’s talk about bananas, for example.

Even the Doctor loves them:

But what’s the other thing bananas are famous for? 

A foot slips on a banana skin

Blatant and immoral collusion with gravity, that’s what. I’m just saying, if I went around tripping up innocent people, it wouldn’t earn me free publicity from the BBC.

Although I suppose it’s worth a try.

You can’t even rely on a banana skin to be a pal when it really counts, like when you’re attempting to fake an injury in order to sue.

Bananas: source of potassium AND BETRAYAL.

And then there’s this:

A man in a banana costume where the peeled part of the banana is in a suggestive place. I'm sorry, it's hard to describe.

I don’t just want to pick on bananas. Actually, after that last picture, I don’t know if I want anything to do with bananas at all. So let’s move on and talk about juice.

Juice is like fruit blood. While mankind likes to think that it has moved on from tearing into the raw carcasses of its fallen prey and feasting on the deliciousness within, that’s basically what happens when you eat something like a plum. Just saying.

Red juice flows down my arm from the butchered plum in my hand. 

Don’t get me wrong, I love juice. I just prefer to suckle it from the convenient teat of a carton*, so that it doesn’t count as a fashion choice. 

*Actually I very rarely drink out of the carton. Not because it’s unhygienic, just because it glugs everywhere and I do, in fact, end up wearing it. See above. 

And finally… Apples.

I don’t have a lot in common with Snow White. Woodland animals have thus far shown no interest in helping me, magic mirrors steadfastly overlook my aesthetic qualities and pondering whether “Someday My Prince Will Come” just reminds me to buy condoms. On our mistrust of apples, however, we are agreed.

Still from Disney's Snow White: the hag offers Snow White the poisoned apple. 

On the day my family drove me up to university for the first time, I was nervous. I was leaving home for the first time and gearing up to meet a lot of new people and spend three years blagging my way through in-depth conversations about books I hadn’t read. I was up to my eyeballs in stuff that my parents and I were convinced I would need (tip: don’t bring an iron to university. The only thing I achieved with mine was to accidentally melt a triangle into the carpet in the middle of my room in halls). All in all, it seemed like the perfect time to top up my vitamin levels with a delicious apple. 

As generations have done before me, I applied my teeth to the glossy, red-skinned orb. 

Cross section of my face as I bite an apple. My brain is labelled "pink goo" 

Nothing happened.

Undeterred, I pushed harder, working jaw muscles honed by years of feverish gum chewing.

Green arrows on the same picture mark "force"

Nothing continued to happen.

Growing frustrated, I resolved to impose my will on this Devil’s fruit once and for all. Focusing my efforts, I made a final push for glory.

 Bigger arrows. More force!

And hit myself in the nose with the apple.

Blood explodes from my face as the apple smashes into it.

Basically, I embarked upon adult life with blood all over my t-shirt – and it wouldn’t have happened if I’d just eaten a Dairy Milk like any sensible person. 

I get nosebleeds very easily. As a doctor once told me when the subject came up, “Redheads are bleeders”. On the other hand, the world is probably full of noses that would bleed if they collided with an apple at high speed. For some reason, no one seems to have done any studies on it.

Anyway, now if I want to eat an apple I have to have it cut into little pieces like a child. Apples can’t stop me eating them, but they can make sure I’m humiliated while I do it.

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One thought on “FRUIT IS EVIL

  1. Pingback: Happy Blogiversary to me! | Victoria Leybourne

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